School spirit for this place seems to be like a drug, everybody in the area is totally hooked, but prude that I am, I'm not takin any... I'm getting the feeling that passion for the school, or at least the area, is a general residential requirement... Maybe I should just throw myself into it and live up the college life. The problem is, I just want to learn. I want to feel like I'm being drenched in sweet knowledge, and I want it from people who really know their stuff. I know that I don't have many options, financial shortcomings that I have being what they are.
The point is, I don't really feel very welcome here and I don't know how much of me is being very welcoming either. I also have this sinking feeling that I not only took the easy way out, the easy way may take me longer to complete because of how ill informed I kept myself out of an attempt to close my eyes and think pretty pretty thoughts...
I'm bad at optimism. I haven't slept a full night through since I've gotten down here (going on 2 weeks). My cat is still hiding under the bed most hours of the day. I'm a bit more than skeptical about how all of the living baggage is going to work out. Maybe I'm just too stressed out to see things in the proper perspective... I mean, I'm sitting here mulling over the state of everything with this heavy feeling of inadequate lunacy permeating any hopeful thoughts I might have.... Maybe I should just focus on the fact that I'm taking Japanese! Soon I may be bilingual.... I know that this semester requires a lot of work, but I can do that... I've proven that to myself. I just need to learn how to stop hyperventilating long enough to consider that maybe my life is working...
