First Day Jitters...

Well, today is my first day at Boise State University.... Putting it frankly, I'm freakin terrified that I have made the biggest mistake of my life transferring down here, but I have to say that as far as the first day of classes can take you, my instructors today have sounded really cool... I'm not sure how great of an indicator that is, but it's better than feeling like the ceiling is slowly descending... I still feel a certain amount of shame about this. I honestly do not like southern Idaho, I hate to say it but I'm not so certain about my feelings about Idaho in general... But here...

School spirit for this place seems to be like a drug, everybody in the area is totally hooked, but prude that I am, I'm not takin any... I'm getting the feeling that passion for the school, or at least the area, is a general residential requirement... Maybe I should just throw myself into it and live up the college life. The problem is, I just want to learn. I want to feel like I'm being drenched in sweet knowledge, and I want it from people who really know their stuff. I know that I don't have many options, financial shortcomings that I have being what they are.

The point is, I don't really feel very welcome here and I don't know how much of me is being very welcoming either. I also have this sinking feeling that I not only took the easy way out, the easy way may take me longer to complete because of how ill informed I kept myself out of an attempt to close my eyes and think pretty pretty thoughts...

I'm bad at optimism. I haven't slept a full night through since I've gotten down here (going on 2 weeks). My cat is still hiding under the bed most hours of the day. I'm a bit more than skeptical about how all of the living baggage is going to work out. Maybe I'm just too stressed out to see things in the proper perspective... I mean, I'm sitting here mulling over the state of everything with this heavy feeling of inadequate lunacy permeating any hopeful thoughts I might have.... Maybe I should just focus on the fact that I'm taking Japanese! Soon I may be bilingual.... I know that this semester requires a lot of work, but I can do that... I've proven that to myself. I just need to learn how to stop hyperventilating long enough to consider that maybe my life is working...